Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   There are two ways of doing things, my way or the wrong way.

   There is no such thing as having too much cheese.

   I’m so old, I remember when people were well mannered.

   Why don’t you take a break from disappointing me.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   Some people need to avoid touching two faces.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Life Hack: If you can’t afford a psychologist, just get a haircut instead.

   Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

   Tried to hide a pill in a block of cheese and my dog suddenly became Gordon Ramsey.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!