Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   I’ll go to bed soon. I just want to read like 4 more things that make me furious.

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon.

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.

   Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part, let it out girl.

   Garlic bread takes any meal from a 3 to a solid 10.

   In other news… Elon musk is now going to also buy McDonald’s so he can fix all the ice cream machines

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   How does Melania Trump get ready to dance and strip on stage at her new job? She does a line of coccaine.

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.