Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

   A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her

   Every Adele song is about lasagna.

   Border Security Idea: Just Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   Elon Musk should change Twitter's name to MySpaceX.

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   They should just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory.

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   Stop killing mountains to make Mountain Dew!

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over