Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Describe your boobs using only a picture of them.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   Woke up today feeling gay! That was close

   Everyone is going on about the pink moon. Somehow, they must've found out that my girlfriend bleached her butthoIe.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them… it’s not chocolate! 🐰🐣🐇

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   Gas Pump: Do you want a receipt? Me: No, I’d rather forget this.

   Never let a recipe tell you how much cheese to put in. Measure it with your heart.

   If you get white milk from white cows, chocolate milk from brown cows, where does pink milk come from?

   Punishable by fine means legal for a price.

   Co-workers are like string lights. They all hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.