Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.

   Checked my media account and nobody cares that I went shopping. That’s okay karma will get them.

   You had me at “I hate everyone too.”

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes this year?

   Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why I can not watch Breaking Bad.

   We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

   Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

   Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.

   As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Truth Social has been a bigger bust than 'I Heart Huckabee'.

   Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID. It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

   Divorce Log - 2007 I got out of the shower. My wife walked in and I said, "Excuse me, I'm not dressed." She goes, "No kidding. I didn't think you were carrying a wrinkly purse."

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?