Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.

   Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.

   Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.

   Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.

   Life hack: Hung over at work? Set up a ladder and take a nap at the bottom. If you’re caught, you can claim that you fell and got knocked out.

   Just for fun, everybody post a picture of your moustache. Get your husbands to join in too.

   playing genshin impact

   Why isn't anyone using the "Truth social" media platform?

   I cheated on my husband twice, now I want to lecture you about family values.

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

   If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

   The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

   When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

   Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you're listening to.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   FACT: The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.