Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

   You are the carbon they want to reduce.

   2020 ~ 2022 Written by Stephen King, Directed by Quinten Tarantino, Soundtrack by Yoko Ono.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   I think Presidential elections should be quick.... not wait until November.... If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction

   Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

   Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

   My good status messages are in my other pants.

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

   Hate your job? No problem! There's a support group for that... at the bar!

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   The difference between fiction novels and the Bible, is that the authors of fiction novels acknowledge it's fiction.

   For Halloween, I think I'm going to dress up as Dumbledore or some other kind of grand wizard.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”

   Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Not a cloud in the sky. It's a dry hump day.

   Every time I almost think humanity is going to be okay, I catch a glimpse of Amazon reviews...