Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daylight savings time? Only an idiot would cut two inches off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom and believe he now has a longer blanket.

   A burglar broke into my home last night. I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.

   Got a new book, “How to make gasoline at home.”

   Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the truth comes out.

   I’m not a biologist, but I know what a woman is.

   The App is called Tic Toc; because every video you watch is a reminder of why humanity is running out of time.

   The movie Pretty Woman will now be known as, “She’s pretty, but I don’t know if she’s a woman… I’m not a biologist.”

   A trans four year old is like a vegan cat. We know who is making the choices.

   Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

   Food prices are through the roof. I still eat steak sometimes but it's rare.

   If swear, if I hear that term 'TOXIC MASCULINITY' one more time, I'm going to slap somebody!

   A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

   I invited a friend over for dinner and made steaks for the two of us. She took a bite of hers and said, "I like it well done." So I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

   I just watched a guy at Walmart rip off a whole case of Red Bull. I don't know how he can sleep at night.

   Lost my job as a Walmart greeter yesterday. According to company policy, I can tell people, 'Welcome to Walmart', but I'm not allowed to add 'And that's not just the booze talking, either!'

   Just when you feel like humanity is finally waking up, the last two psyops proved 99% are still asleep.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up”; obviously never worked for corporate media.

   Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

   Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.

   People should have to pass a sense of humor test before they’re allowed on social media.