Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

   who decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ?

   I tried bringing sexy back today at Walmart but the lady assured me I didn't get it there.

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 300 years.

   If sleep is important, then why does school start so early?

   So we don't know what a woman is but we know they get paid less than men.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   My only hope for April Fool's Day tomorrow is that Brandon announces this has all been a monumental prank.

   To stay healthy this April, starting tomorrow I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   the problem with two-faced people is that you never sure which face to slap.

   Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

   Chris Rock breaks silence: "I just want to know if the carpet matches the drapes."

   Well I guess now we know why DJ Jazzy Jeff left .

   Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

   Yo mama so fat she starts practicing for dinner after lunch.

   Under Florida law, Bengay has been ordered to change their name to Benstraight.

   Ah, Easter. That lovely time of year that reminds you to take down the Christmas decorations.

   A donation of 14 billion has been made to eastern Europe in your name. Thanks.