Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up in the mid 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   I'm sure my neighbors are up to something. Every time I get my binoculars out they close their curtains.

   I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

   Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

   You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

   Hey gurl, speaking of lickity split, whatcha doin later...

   Does anyone find it the least bit curious that those ghay pedophiles known as priests live in a place called a rectory?

   I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

   I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

   what's everyone's favorite gas price? mine is $2.29

   I’ve got to think of a way to get off this planet by tomorrow

   If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover

   Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

   I came home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day long... If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

   there a rehab for gossiping? I don't need it, but I'll tell you who does

   Can’t party the way I used too. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m whipped.

   Don't accept a friend request from Dan Druff. I hear he's a bit flaky!

   You think the world-wide pandemic was bad? Wait until the world-wide food shortage starts! It's all about control...

   Dear W0KE, jerk-offs: I'm a wh¡te, heterose×ual, Christian male who owns a business and more importantly, knows to mind his own business. I suggest you do the same.