Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   Global warming won't kill us. The zombie apocalypse is a different story.

   6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

   The phrase "bang for your buck" isn't what I thought it was.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   A very big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.

   When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.

   My anger management class pisses me off...

   You may be the sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Now, show me on the doll where Hunter Bidens Laptop touched you...

   I don't know much of what happened in Judge Jackson's confirmation, but I do know she did not cry and said she liked beer.

   I eat twice as much meat just so that one vegan who thinks he is making a difference is making no difference at all.

   Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

   Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

   One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

   I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager.

   I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.