Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The 5th one recommends wax lips.

   Between the price of ammo, gas and lumber, being a Redneck is getting expensive.

   I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute. That’s not why they exist.

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   I would like to have sex with the first woman I ever had sex with just to show her how much better I am now. I'd be like, "Hell yeah baby, look who doesn't cry during sex anymore!"

   Hey gurl, are you a public school? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of little kids inside you.

   I was told this is where you order Door Dash.....SMH.....

   My generation had Wonder Woman. Your generation has to Wonder if it's a Woman.

   you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

   Gas prices have got everybody driving they're on probation: Straight to work and then strait home.

   I know not with what weapons WW3 will be fought, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

   Bikers: Representing the 3rd guy from the left on the evolutionary chart throughout modern history.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

   Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.