Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

   In Cincinnati, a women gave birth to two 10-pound baby boys. The kids are named Strech and Mark.

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   thinks a city built on rock 'n roll would be structurally unsound.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   tried to join a Tourette's support group, but they told me to piss off

   loves to chase his pets with a vacuum cleaner

   Just go ahead and sneeze cause my presence just blessed you

   ʇɐ s,oɥ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ˙˙˙ uoıʇısod ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ uı ʍou ɯɐ ı' ʞo