Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh….......

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.

   I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

   The death of Meat Loaf drew way more attention than the death of Louie Anderson. Today's society even plays favorites with fat guys.

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it"

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.