Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay we get it 50-something washed up bar sl~ts. No need to post pics every other day feigning you're having a good time at some boring nightclub.

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   The only way Kyle Rittenhouse loses his case is if the judge allows the jury to mail in their verdict

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   Why can't we let Kyle Rittenhouse go and put the Prosecutors in Jail?

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work

   Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

   Kyle cleared of all charges, about to exit court room. Judge yells out. "Hey Kid!" Kyle turns around. "You forgot this" tosses him his AR-15. Credits roll. Eye Of The Tiger plays. . .

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?