Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

   Today is nation Sloth day, it should of been yesterday, but they didn't get around to it.

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   LGBTQ = Let's Get Biden To Quit

   Got fired for being too early

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You Idiot .." would probably be considered offensive.

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   My wife thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.

   I was going to dress up like sleepy joe this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my arse.