Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

   Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

   If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

   Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

   STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

   We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

   So Cardi B singing about her WAP is good and Dr Suess is bad. Got it.

   why do people w glasses look like the cutest baby hamsters when they take them off

   How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

   46 got lost in the Oval Office for the third time this week; thought he was in his basement and pee'd on the drapes again.

   46 waits until Texas temps return to mid-70's before going to inspect the ice damage. #Putz

   '46' invites Dr. Seuss to White House breakfast; demands WH chef make a big plate of green eggs and ham.

   If you lose half your IQ, that'll make you Q.

   My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex, I asked her; whats wrong with during dinner?

   Press 1 for English.... Did I move?

   If society continues on its present course, the future won't be like The Jetsons. It will be like The Flintstones.

   If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?

   1.4 million convicted felons in prisons will be getting the $1,400 check, probably even dead people... True story