Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

   How do I politely ask can I 😋 ur 😼

   On a happier note... Cuomo is going down faster than Kamala Harris at the company Christmas party.

   Bombs are falling on Syria again, the kids are still in the cages, the $2,000 checks are still AWOL... But hey, at least Mr. Potato Head is now gender neutral!

   I love contactless delivery. They just throw the slop at your door and I run out like a little pig.

   A friend is someone who'll stop whatever he's doing to bring a change of underwear to you at Tio Ricardo's Guadalajara Cantina after you attempted and won the Montezuma's Revenge 50 Lb. Burrito and Enchilda Challenge.

   When Trump dropped bombs, the media was all over him. When Biden does, nothing but praise.

   Screw God, I'm worshipping the golden statue of Trump from now on.

   If a status update gets posted on Facebook and no one likes it did it really happen?

   My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.

   Marriage tip #12: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Gas prices are shooting up faster than the Biden vote count at 2am...

   Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.

   Tiger Woods is struggling with his driving. A pull to the left got him into tree trouble.

   Kill me pls

   dupa blada

   Manwich Sloppy Joe Sauce is changing its name to Genderneutralwich.🥫

   Sure are a lot of gender reveals for their being no genders

   I'm your president now.