Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   I have never wished for the death of another man, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

   I would imagine I'll react with double the glee when Sleepy Joe dies as you clowns feel about Rush.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

   Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

   Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   I'll believe in climate change when Texas freezes over!

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.