Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you know if someone doesn't watch the Superbowl? Don't worry they'll announce it on Facebook!

   To the tune of the Folgers coffee commercial: The best part of waking up, is no tweets from Donald Trump.

   what a shock, old whiite guys complaining about the SB half time show

   -I think one of my friends gets the award for “most insightful drunk” for his comment, “It’s such a nice night…if only the sun were out!” Too bad he didn’t get to see much more of that night.

   I would like to express some thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this problem. After exploring throughout the the net and obtaining methods which were not productive, I figured my entire life was done. Being alive without the presence of approa

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   I hate when people say that the ears are their favorite part of a chocolate Easter Bunny. Gross out with all that wax and stuff, and they stink too.

   Old white guys complained about the SB halftime show because we grew up in a time when originality, actually playing an instrument and not having auto tuned vocals counted as talent. Not like that heap of mediocrity we just saw.

   What a shock. Young white guys defending a mediocre SB half time show.

   my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?

   My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn’t suffer, it was instant

   Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

   Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

   Playing rugby with helmets is for sissies. Helmets are for bikers

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not "waiting for March 4th where Trump will be definitely be president again" dumb.

   I wrote a book called "House to keep your house clean" Chapter 1: Log out of facebook. The End.