Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know about you, but I think Kanye still has a chance.

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.

   If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.