Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.