Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   I improved upon the pizza cutter joke: I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead. It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

   The news just reported that Loving County Texas is Coronavirus free! I mean there's only 102 people that live in that country, but still that's something to celebrate!

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Girl: You were so nice earlier on the phone, now you're being mean. Why? - Me: That was before I cranked one out to your pics.

   The only thing I can say about Janis Joplin is that she looks like she smelled bad.

   Curious to see if all these protestors tearing down statues will be celebrating Thanksgiving

   It's social media. Not "I'm a thirsty, gender confused, angry, whiney cry baby" media.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   We cannot be a country that listens to science. Science does not make sense at all.

   I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

   Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?