Funny Status Messages

   Maybe the1 million dollars in gofundme for Jacob Blake should be given to the 14 year old girl he raped instead.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

   NBA players support China despite violating the human rights of its citizens but protests when a thug gets what he deserves...

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

   I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

   Nurse: strip down to your underpants Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!

   If you haven't contributed anything to society, then why would you even think twice about destroying it? Especially when there are no consequences.

   Smart folks don't care a damn about the cause because they know the reason for the cause barely exists. Dumb folks are fooled into thinking it does. Comply with LEO's, exit your car if asked, don't walk or run away, don't reach for a gun or knife. Simple.

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your car. We already know.

   2020 is rough but I think infound a way to get threw.im just gonna ask my mom if slapping me into next year is still on the table.

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!