Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your hairstyle aint your lifestyle

   In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird... Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

   I think all woman should come with a satisfaction guarantee label

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   I was recently diagnosed with CDO. Its the same thing as OCD its just in alphabetical order, the way it should be!

   I think I've watched too many scary movies because every time I go to Chic-fil-a I find they are way too nice. I keep expecting their eyes to roll back in to their head while they are smiling and saying "its my pleasure to serve you."

   This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Really really really wants to zigazig ha

   Don't call my name, Cilantro!

   Figuring out the three seashells thing is a very messy business...

   Dyson has a line of fans to add to their line of vacuums. Dysonnow proudly makes products that sucks and blows.

   says Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   if Silvia Brown wanted to really impress me, she should send me a note telling me that she knows that I'm not gonna be at her concert.

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."