Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   until money changes color, my favorite color is green.

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Then start swinging. Make it hard for them to hit a moving target.

   A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place but in the end it couldn't because it had no guts.

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   flashing your titts in public doesnt make you a wh*re, its makes you AWESOME!!

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   I used to love, respect and cherish every moment we spent together and then something happened...oh yeah, I built a bridge and got over it!

   whatever I want too!!

   voices!!!! screamin in my head dont lead the path that I tread!

   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   If you suddenly find you cannot fix it, screw it up so nobody else can !

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

   pretty sure that if fortune telling was real every fortune in every fortune cookie would read "You are about to eat a stale cookie, boo-yah!"

   sometimes feels like I'm stuck at school in an episode of Peanuts where all I hear is "blah blah blah...blah blah...blah blah blah blah"