SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

   Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.

   I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times.