markf Funny Status Messages

   Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.