Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   Experts took a poll asking what part of the women do men notice first. The results stated 73% of men said women's eyes. Yea right, that's why we have a large food chain called "Pupils"

   "You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Will too much skin lightening cream turn you invisible?

   Didn't lock my car last night and there was a homeless guy asleep in it this morning.

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?