Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   "You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson

   The Makers of K-2 has just come out with another break through synthetic, called J-2. Its Synthetic Jesus in incense form. No need to go to church now, you are automatically saved from hell fire and damnation! Side effects may include speaking in tongues.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   if you are reading this you love lesbians!

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.

   I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

   so happy we finally landed on the moon!!

   super excited we got away from your parents this weekend...now if we could only lose your husband/wife....

   Llamas rule the world! And Petting Zoos!

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   enjoys when his girlfriend's bikini top accidentally comes off while frolicking in the ocean.

   it's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave."

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"