Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.