Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After a lot of thought and research, last night I finally made a decision on my New Years Resolution.....going with 1080p

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.

   Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!

   I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.

   I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

   I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.

   Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

   I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

   Just when I was getting use to writing 2019

   Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"

   20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"