Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight..

   If Lady Gaga and Prince had a kid, they should name him, "The Artist Formerly Known as Alejandro"....

   After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.

   I swear, when one radio station is playing commercials, EVERY radio station is playing commercials.

   If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   soooooo high.. that he/she can hear heaven )O.o(

   finds it funny in the movie "did you her about morgans" sarah jessica parker is chasing a horse its like Pepé Le Pew chasing the cat

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   annoying heat; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Death, bring back Kurt Cobain,Freddy Mercury,Bob marley,Jerry garcia,Jim Morrison (Doors),Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon,Bradley Nowell,Shannon Hoon,Janis Joplin,Paul Gray(Slipknot),Tupac, BIggie Smalls,Big Pun, Eazy E. Take any1 from Pop radio in exchange

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.