Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   just had someone have a go at her for deleting them from her facebook.Whilst I know it is a childish thing to do I can't help thinking "I don't give A TINY RATS ARSE that is WHY I DELETED YOUh

   heavy in the game like fatman scoop, plus I got a flow tighter than a batman suit

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but if you fight your biology, you always lose.

   haha yeah dude she talks about you all the time . .. . . she hates you..