Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mr Raoul Moat , It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your missus while you were in prison , yours sincerely Wayne Bridge ..

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   Everytime there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born.

   Dude!!! I don't play, I quit school because of recess!

   wondering did someone ever give Sean Paul the light

   If you leave your pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them...

   Some families can trace their ancestry back three hundred years, but can't tell you where their children were last night.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.

   Do you know what happens to little boys who continually interrupt? They grow up and make a fortune doing TV commercials.

   It's "Do The Right Thing" hot out there today

   Appearances can be deceiving - a dollar bill looks the same as it did twenty-five years ago.

   "In the eyes of the Ranger, the unsuspected stranger. You'd better know the truth of wrong from right."

   I need a beer....Or a pillow....or both

   Donald Duck.. never wears pants in his entire life.. but when it gets out of the shower, it comes with a towel wrapped around the waist.. I mean.. what is that about?"

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   so you know what's hotter then today? Me......that is all.

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   Men have Adam's apple, and women have Eve's cherry