Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

   just saw a sign on a church that read, "Don't give up. Moses was a basket case too." LOL!

   I still think soccer sucks as bad as ballet.

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   if at first you don't succeed.... don't be surprised.

   a bad relationship is like a broken mirror betta 2 throw it away instead of hurtin urself tryin 2 fix da pieces.

   And on the 8th day, God made Cheez Its

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   They call me Dr. Love, I got the cure you're thinkin' of.