santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   All I wanted for Christmas was to get promoted out of the friend zone.

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   Anyone who thinks that overweight people are slow moving, may I remind you of how fast Santa Claus knocked out those gift deliveries a little over a month ago?

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   I'm sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can't I do the same for Easter!!!??