Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.

   ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees

   Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay

   Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting

   my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why