Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

   Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

   I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   'We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   skinny dipping with snapping turtles...oh what a feeling!

   dances with the devil in the pale moon light.

   Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young

   Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late."

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

   I wonder if I mix rum with listerine if it will taste like a mojito?

   You may be on Team Edward, however, I am on team Woden Stake, no hold still while I drive this through your heart

   Im 100% sure peter pan was an alcoholic

   2 fish swim into a concrete wall. 1 says to the other, "Dam!"

   thinks there will be a lot of upset strippers tonight . . . Brazil lost

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?