Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

   I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current

   I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling