Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   wishes they'd make an app that turns my iPhone into a taser..

   Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night.

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   wondering if Michael Jackson will ever return from the dead to make a Thriller 2

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   if you have a two-four or a sixty-pounder then come up here to Canada cause we could always use another hoser to party with, we'll have some poutine and maybe we'll even catch a beaver if you're lucky eh? HAPPY CANADA DAY!

   There is something significant about being the first to use a fresh new toilet paper roll

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   These lemons are half empty.

   I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.