Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Sentimental Growth Story Me: Can you please grow? Hair: Nah..! Muscle: Nope..!! Salary: Don't even dream..!!! Tummy : Bro, for you anything.

   If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo

   I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.

   You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door

   Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?