Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.

   I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Time to practice changing 7's into 8's

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak

   I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable

   I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me....to me

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.

   I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.