Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.

   A friend with weed is a friend in need of rehab.

   Darth Vader: The first black guy to admit he's the father.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   I think people should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS, Seriously you and your toilet are not sexy

   A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?

   Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?

   If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   "I'm not like other girls", she whispered into the mirror while combing her hair with the claw end of a hammer.

   Gotta love Amazon wish lists, it's like saying "it's the thought that counts, so long as you only buy me exactly what I want.

   I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .

   The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.