Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.

   Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?

   the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!

   Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.

   Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .

   Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?

   Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars

   My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.