Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack's complete lack of surprise.

   Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   Have you noticed you very rarely hear one liners about cocaine.

   chasing vodka with french fries

   it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela

   Insomnia: Inability to sleep until it is time to get up!

   World's Shortest Fairy Tale: There once was a man who asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." and he lived happily ever after.

   Jack & Jill.. went up the hill 2 fetch a pale of water, god knows wht happened.. they came down wid a daughter !!

   My car is leaking oil. Can I blame BP?

   A moment of silence for all our pu$$y whips bro's who are enduring the ECLIPSE premier!

   hopefully its called ECLIPSE because they are gonna play a better movie over it

   The Democrats finally came forward and ruined Chelsey Clinton's life with the news that Janet Reno is actually her father.

   Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money

   An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Thank god I dont have a house!

   We are sinners, but we can strive to be good!!!!

   Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is the most important.