Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies I think we should file a class action suit against Calgon...After years and years of waiting for it to take us away..It hasn't taken us any damn where!

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.

   I'm going to go to the eclipse premier tonight and budge in front of every single girl in that line.

   It's not so much that "I don't like" my neighbors as "I hate 'em"

   after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race.

   watching Man vs. Food and wonders how many more food challenges can this guy take before he has a massive heart attack?

   ...Today's Random English Tip: Remember, it's 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser, where it's 'e' before 'i', and then several 'p's afterward...

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

   The good old days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems..

   Help me, My stomach is eating my throat.......this is a job for pizza man....

   Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

   Quotations i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   When I was a kid, my father sat me down and told me he had some pictures to show me that would help me to remember to always wear a condom.... Funny thing is that all the pics were of me

   when you are single,all you see r happy couples.............when you r commited,all you see r happy singles. :))