Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins

   Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.

   You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.

   I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   I'm not worried about the Zombie apocalypse that is coming. I'm worried about the Libtard apocalypse that is here now.

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   200 North Koreans died in a tunnel collapse when testing their nukes. Looks like Kim Jong Un is on the US side of the war.

   Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.

   The NYC terror attack comes to you courtesy of the Democratic Party, Barry Obama and the judges he appointed, who've halted Pres. Trump from fulfilling his promise to secure our borders from Islamic terror.

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but for nearly two hours I thought her mood ring was a strobe light.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.