Funny Status Messages

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!

   “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...