Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.